Melbourne and my insecurities

Long time no see to nobody but myself.

So since my last blog I have moved to Melbourne, initially as a 'job-seeking holiday where I'd try Melbourne and Sydney and go home after a month or two', but I knew as soon as I got to Melbourne that it would be none of those things. I was settling in Melbourne and that was that. I pissed around in a residential backpackers for a month or so after having crashed at my cousin's house and actor friends Leoni and Alex for a couple of weeks back to back initially.

Now I'm in the Western Suburbs in Sunshine, trying seriously to get any decent job I can, having gotten tired of living off the dole looking only for film/video jobs and being jerked around by a company for a month or so.

All of this is not the reason I am writing this blog.

Really it is because I am currently hyperactive trying to get some excitement into my life (in the form of either joining or forming a band either with my ukelele or other people's instruments or volunteering on films), which is because I have no money and no friends who aren't doing stuff during the weekdays, which leaves me largely a hermit on my own in my house during the week.

So, this brings me to my point. I am doubting how many of my friends really appreciate or care about me. I'm always the one to make the effort, both at making contact and making plans to actually catch up. Sure, I don't have alot of friendships that are worth the effort, but it seems those few may not even be worth the effort.

I think possibly it is because I'm such a clingy cunt when I do get a friend and I bend over backwards to see them and fit their schedule that they never think it necessary to try and actually invite me to something (without first being too busy to do what I want them to do) or fit my schedule.

I never hear from people unless they want something from me (with the exception of one who shall remain named as Mr. G). Yes, I expect that from some people who I'm not that close too, because I do that with people who I consider in that ilk.

Just an occasional call to see what's up from these people not being Mr. G and my family would be nice. Or not just ignoring me on facebook chat (often in the midst of a conversation).

Of course, none of this would be coming up if I was employed and actually had somewhere where I was being paid to be bored during the day.

So that's that. I'll go back to being bored until I get tired enough to sleep. At least it will stretch out my day by waking up late.

I am the definition of indefinite

Yo.

Again, I'm ranting about my ability to attain a vague sense of certainty in my life. The cliche remains that the only thing I'm certain of is that I can't be certain of anything.

This makes me unreliable and therefore a less attractive prospect for employment.

Thus is the reasoning behind my snap decision to go east in search of work (as aided by tapping on these very keys in my last blog). My reasoning is as follows:

1. I am more likely to get full time employment in Melbourne or Sydney in the film and tv industry.

2. If I have less things to be uncertain about then I will have more things I can be certain about. I will probably have to at least have a vague structure to my job hunting (including where I will be residing, for how long, how I spend my days - likely pounding the pavement 8 hours a day, and also how I spend my nights (having no idea of what to do will just mean I can take most offers as they come).

3. I have money lying around and more coming in within this month/early next month. I don't have enough to fix my car, and I've already spent around $1000 in repairs on top of the $1500 I paid for it initially a year and a bit ago. It either goes on this trip or some vaguely helpful item that I probably won't get the full value out of.

And just for shits and giggles, here's a cap of what's about to happen/what's just happened in my life.

I have gotten the film SLR photography bug. I'm absolutely resisting the urge to spend all of my money on new lenses/filters/tripod/lights (just signing up to ebay isn't making this easier - I have made my one purchase on that for now and it will have to satisfy me).

I had a great New Year period, having adventures with some newer friends who have begun to get closer into my life.

I have colour grading work for a week or two beginning as of Monday. It is an outback survival instructional documentary, and I will also be doing some minor editing and mixing on it. This is a decent earner, also. I'm not the most knowledgeable as a grader, but I have picked up enough to do what is required here.

I also have a band to produce. Deth Traktor are a 2 piece stonerish rock band who live in the ghetto with me, but whom I had never met before. This piece of fortune coincides with a new studio opening up and offering ridiculously cheap prices for the first month or so. I have delved into the role of producer, coming down to a jam session and recording most of it (then playing around with some basic mixing and exploring sounds). I'm looking forward to the tracking and my brother Cayle will be helping as assistant engineer (as long as he doesn't try to hijack the session and usurp me - a disadvantage of having someone competent as your underling). The recording unfortunately may be interfered with by a very random opportunity (see below).

For some reason, an indie film decided to advertise for crew on seek. I went through the holiday entries I'd missed through being out generally having a good time and just came across it. I've never seen a dramatic film advertise for crew on seek. I applied, then I got a call back asking if I could send a sound showreel. Waiting to hear back over the next few days. If I get the job I will be paid (probably not full rates, but hopefully enough to get stable accommodation) for almost 2 months of work. Just like the last Sydney opportunity, I'll have a short period of time to get organised and get over there.

So, that's mostly it. Gilesy and I wrote a script on New Year's day that we had hoped to have in the can by now, but lack of initial interest from others and an inability to build a vaguely functional factory cubicle (with conveyor belt) at short notice has put it off. I do really want to make this, especially because I will be at least co-directing, and probably taking more charge of the visual side of things.

I again have to wait and see what happens. Patience is a virtue. Must remember that.

This could be long or short (Ha!... Dangly bits).

Hi reader/s (if any).

What up? Having a good time?

Anyway, that's not why I'm here, so I won't dwell on it (not that I don't care, but... well actually I kind of don't).

I'm gonna lay it down for y'all (not that I'm gonna say much that is groundbreaking, because I probably won't). I still don't know where my life is going and it kind of annoys me. Y'know? I want the world and I want it now, I'm sick of all my kicks, I'm sick of all the stiffs, sick of all the dips, and all those other lyrics suggesting things about things.

The big news is that I was in the running for a job in Sydney. A real full-time job. Something that would have given me the stability I so desire currently. I put my life on hold in case I got it, because they wanted someone right away. I told people I couldn't do things, or just said I'll let you know when I know (which I hate to do, hence wanting the stability in the first place).

I didn't get the job. I don't care so much about that. My issue was that I let them know that I needed to know ASAP to let people know if I was available to do things for them or not. I called on multiple occasions and couldn't get a straight response from anyone. I got told I would be called back, and it never happened (hence calling and asking on multiple occasions).

I was prepared to pack up my life and leave with a few days notice, and they didn't have the courtesy to give me even those few days.

On top of all that, I had an accident on the road two Fridays ago, which although minor (I hit the back of a ute at maybe 5-10km/h - he stopped dead after realising he was about to head the wrong way into a one way street), has put repairs out of practical monetary reach. So the holiday money I saved up is automatically needed to put aside for expensive repairs or new car (repairs are really expensive).

Now I have to risk getting a yellow sticker every time I drive, and I won't have enough money to get a reliable car for some time (weeks, months?).

Anyway, I'm still here, and still freelancing to the point where I'm not earning enough to get off Centrelink but dealing with these various projects makes it difficult to deal with what I need to do to keep getting my benefits (which I blame 100% on the fact that my career path isn't catered for by Employment Services).

In other news, I have been in a creative lull of late. It largely came down to having too much shit to do for other people. The minute I got any time free I had some good musical experiences, writing some decent tunes that I'm still fairly happy with (although not finished with). As I appear to be busy again, I don't think I'll get much out for a while. I started trying to force myself to write various things, but I haven't been very successful.

Now, the philosophical bit:

All of this probably means nothing, as in the grand scheme of things I have time on my side.

That also means nothing, because I still have to think about the immediate.

What do I do?

Save my $700 to grow to $3,000 and buy a decent car?
Save all the money for a move and fresh start?
Save all the money for an item I need (new bass amp/drum kit/computer/1000 other things)?
Throw caution to the wind and have a good holiday season and start again next year?
Other (please specify)?

Cool, whatevs.

I'm taking a dump on your mum's dad's mum.

That it all.

OK, here's the scoop

This is a combination heart to computer/catch-up/whatever else, despite knowing that nobody reads this.

So, we start at the beginning (call me old-fashioned).

I am getting sick of a number if things, as follows:

1. The way this country is run. Not from a "Durr, the Labour Party is poopoo" perspective, from a "The whole system is fucked and I hate the only two parties that have any say, and the only moderation is the independents who come from retarded electorates, and are largely retarded themselves" perspective.

I hate the amount of formality is involved in even getting a response from a decision-maker, and this shitty system flows through everything run by the government. Faceless middle-management tuck themselves away in the corner, which leaves you complaining to the pleb workers who don't care, or the politicians, who don't care and don't have time to hear you in the first place.

What am I gonna do? One day when I find someone rich and crazy enough to do what I tell them I'll actually start a political party and pay for national adspace and try (I know it will probably be in vein) to effect some reform or change.

2. I'm sick of living at home. Honestly, I'd actually like to live in a place literally on my own for a while. Just have a solo bachelor pad where I can do what I want and just be responsible for myself. That would be really nice. I think that will never happen. I would happily settle for a sharehouse, but I need money, and for that I need a job.

3. I'm sick of being overlooked. It doesn't do a guy's confidence much good when all stimuli he receives indicates he is good at things, and then the results of these things get him nowhere. ECU, I'm looking at you for starters.

Sure, I probably wouldn't enjoy a job at ECU as much as working in the real world, but it would be nice to be asked. It kind of seems like the 'chosen one' policy of ECU's School of Communications has skipped my year but employed the 'respected' students of years past and future. I can tell you I probably did more helping of others than any of those people, who were busy doing their assignments properly in their kick-ass groups (I am jealous that the stars aligned for these people, but I also understand that it is reasonable to actually do your own work well and get good grades).

I kind of think that I gained alot more experience in troubleshooting and being a make-shift guru, but it's meant absolutely nothing in the job market. You can tell people you're good at solving problems until the cows come home, but unless you've had a paid job for 2 years that can verify that for you then you're stuck in my position.

Anyway, my point being that I have plenty of skills, but no proof of said skills. Therefore I am a risk to employers and will never get a job doing anything I want to do (which largely encompasses what I've spend most of my adult life training specifically for - go figure).

4. I'm sick of being unemployed. This is largely down to the last point. Also I blame Centrelink. Surely by now they've noticed that creative career-paths are different to being an office-jockey, fry-hand, or brickie. Surely they recognise that the creative industries are also legitimate forms of employment. Ergo it makes sense to FUCKING HELP GRADUATES OF MEDIA AND THE ARTS INSTEAD OF TELLING THEM TO TAKE THE FIRST SHIT-KICKER JOB THAT COMES AROUND AND SPEND HALF OF THEIR LIFE WASTING THEIR SKILLS UNTIL THOSE SKILLS ARE SUPERSEDED!

Why is it that if I take a volunteer position (that has a direct job prospect linked to it), I get no support, whatsoever? Somebody needs to realise the harsh reality that working for free is the way to get a job in the arts (especially film and sound), and those that get a job straight out of (or during) study are flukes or chance encounters.

Yes, I know I should have done that shit-kicker job in high school so I could actually physically force myself to apply for it in later life when I need the money, but you can't change me now, so you might as well learn to deal with me.

5. I'm sick of being the friend. To the ladies, at least. Anybody I'm interested in just ends up becoming a good friend (or a distant acquaintance). I'm the guy friend, instead of the boyfriend. That's my fault, mostly. This is for two reasons. I'm a shy bastard who takes too damn long to do anything, and also I'm afraid of becoming one of those pussy chasing players. Seriously.

6. I'm sick of censoring myself for fear of the following - Hurting a loved-one's feelings, being hated, being vulnerable. I will probably continue this practice, though, no matter how much I say I won't. I may slowly become more honest.

7. I'm sick of not knowing what tomorrow brings. I want to at least have some form of regular schedule somewhere. Some certainty in my life that goes beyond 'on this day you will most likely breathe, eat, shit, piss, sleep, and imbibe alcohol'. You know what, give me an office-monkey job, just don't make me apply for it.

So that about covers it.

Basically, the aim for the near future is to get a job, move out of home, man up, and possibly explode Canberra.

I'm not sure what just happened.

So, I just started volunteering at the local community tv station. I shall explain how this is both odd and potentially beneficial.

Firstly, I must express how surprised I am at how low the quality of the station's in-house facilities are. Studio isn't sound-proofed, dodgy carpet not fitted to the floor that is in shots. No calibration gear on vision or sound. No compressors on inputs or general program limiter. Plus many other things.

I also feel odd being the only one who knows anything about sound. This actually puts me at an advantage for a permanent paid position. I don't know how to feel about this. Is it a good career move? As a head of sound having to accept sub-par results due to lack of gear will I be shunned?

On the flip side, there are some upgrades coming, and my knowledge could maybe improve the station and bring me kudos for my deeds.

Or, as is the norm, nothing happens.

Over two months have passed...

... And almost nothing has happened. Yep. Still in exactly the same situation I was in the last blog. Still doing the following:

Looking for a decent job.

Trying to get people to actually come to Energy Commission shows.

Working on film projects for free.

Not having money.

There were at least some pluses:

Got my license back.

Ankle finally feels good again... Sort of.

Played more shows (not to anyone, but getting gigs is a plus).

Filled in a few nights doing pizza delivery for dad while he got some paid time off work (therefore I got to keep the money)

And some minuses:

Have spent around $700 on my car in the last two weeks and still need to pay for rego, RAC renewal, brake pads, and a very good servicing. There goes another $700 odd dollars and I don't have any more work to cover it.

Am fighting crippling depression at prospect of never working in any of the creative things I am good at (everyone else in my immediate family has horrible depression, so I'm pushing shit up a hill).

Haven't had a decent idea that I've actually had the resolve to flesh out in quite some time. Too many sketches in my head.


So, I'm still utterly confused as to what I should do. I really don't think my soul would survive in a genuine pleb job, and if I keep taking a scatterbrain approach of doing whatever creative thing comes to mind I will probably end up nowhere. It may be time to pick something and absolutely focus on it.

There you have it, readers (one can hope that there's more than just one - yes mum, I'm sure you read this). That's the last two and a bit months. Anyone got employment for me?